I was like a little kid who was mad at the world, kicking at the dirt. Throwing rocks. Finding excuses, pointing fingers, resenting others who I thought had achieved what I wanted so badly.
I was talking to my life coach; she listened for awhile, and asked questions.
I told her I was about to give up, to walk away from a goal I’d been working toward for two years. It wasn’t happening the way I thought it should. I thought I should be further along.
As we talked and I answered her questions I realized that underneath my resentment and blame were some very painful thoughts:
I must not have what it takes to succeed.
I’m not smart enough, I don’t have enough grit,
I’m not disciplined enough.
You know that feeling, like a dam breaking, that tells you when you hit on something? The dam broke when I uncovered those thoughts. (Read: lots of tears.) It felt terrible. I felt heartbroken. If I believed those thoughts were true I would have to give up something that I loved, something that represented to me my highest self.
By lashing out at the world, I had been avoiding looking inward.
But when I did look, after the waterworks subsided, I realized that I didn’t believe those disturbing thoughts. Or maybe a little, but certainly not completely. I knew I had learned and accomplished and created so much already. I was well on my way toward my goal… just maybe not as fast as I had expected.
What is the truth here? Neither: all these are subjective thoughts, opinions I could have about myself.
But let’s look at what happens when I choose to believe, even if unconsciously, that I must not have what it takes to succeed- not enough smarts, determination and discipline. I feel terrible, heartbroken. And then, fueled by that feeling: I blame and resent others, look for excuses, don’t work to figure out the hard stuff I need to master, I avoid coaching myself on my thoughts, and I want to give up. Basically, I kick dirt and throw rocks.
Can you guess what the result of all that is? The result that originated with my “not good enough” thought? I am not using all I have- all my smarts, determination and discipline- that I need to succeed.
Now that is something I have complete control over! And it starts with choosing different thoughts.
What if instead, I consciously think these thoughts? I’m well on my way. I’m learning and growing every day. I’m creating something new, something valuable, out of my love, vision and dedication.